I give up


Wow.I have been away from you guys for a while now. I have missed you and now I am back. I would like to start by apologizing for my absence and inform you that I am doing well. Things have been really hectic and I felt like I was on a roller coaster.

I have experienced happiness, excitement, peace within one hour and within minutes on  s I felt miserable, down, depressed, alone. Other times I felt high on anger and a deep sense of pain and loss. What other feelings are there to feel?

The many questions I am bombarded with in my mine is unbelievable. I sift through my thoughts on a morning and file them according to the intensity. As the day goes by I am forced to file many more as they arise and by evening, I find myself encouraging my mind to take control of its thought production. Can an individual feel so confused? Fighting off thoughts and feelings and trying to remain calm. Regardless, I believe at the end of it all the person who walks out of all this ciaos is a strong individual.

What is the underlying reason for all these emotions? The answer I believe is Change. I believe I have changed. For better or worse, that I am not sure of. I would like to think it’s for the better, however, it feels like the worse. I have either toughen up from the sweet soft petal I identified with or I have gotten cold.Things I made an issue of prior to this ciaos feeling of an experience, I disregard now. I made a decision, one which will keep me sane.To give up. I chose to give up on things that pestered me. I quit worrying. I have given up on what I think people may think of me. I have chosen to appreciate simplicity and life, to love laugh and enjoy peace of mind. I chose to live.



When “the pain” pops up

We all go through tough times, each vary in its level of difficulty. Eventually we learn to deal with these situations or shove them under the table and move on with our lives. However, there comes a time when memories of these situations  pop up and flood our body with emotions. The body inturn gets confused and tries to battle the feelings we encounter. The eyes begin to release pain in the best way it sees fit to. The heart pounds at a rapid pace and the pressure it feels causes the brain to comand the mouth to open and scream.This level of pain stems from hurt which no amount of medication can cure.

In times like these, breathe and think of happy thoughts as difficult as it may be. Take a walk, write or hold on to the pillow and allow the pain to run its course. Right then there is a feeling of ease and  placing these memories  into a box in the mind becomes easy once again, until they decide to pop up once more.

Life’s beautiful


There it was, life’s beauty, just as Mathew 18:3 stated {Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven}



Children running around enjoying themselves, laughing uncontrollably and being fearless. They possess an attitude of freedom, nothing holding them back. They wear a look of confidence on their faces and  a smile which says I will never give up. Just as they fall down, they quickly rise up and commence again. As they  fight, they forgive. These curious kids explore small spaces as if it were a mystery island, they travel from one playground to another and their imagination forces them to create beauty. Carefree, enjoying life and bravely trusting adults to care for them.

If only as adults we possessed these characteristics, there would seldom murders, suicide and less pain. We would be free to think and pursue our thoughts, as worry would not imprison us nor would anxiety. We would understand that in the same instant that someone hurts us we are to forgive. Just as the birds and the bees enjoy nature and the kids explore islands in their back yard we too must take time to be free.  Fill our minds with positive attitudes and use our eyes and imagination to build beautiful scenes. We must become like little children and live as kings and queens in this kingdom.

Right now I am feeling

OK.  I am feeling just fine but deep down am so scared of the next few days.  Especially Thursday,  which would have been my sons first birthday.  28.04.16. I am also scared of how I will feel on the 2nd May 2016, the day he left us.  Right now I am just OK.